Being a parent to a teenager is exhausting. I get it. But in those moments when you want to scream into a pillow, try to remember this: they are going through hell too.
Peer pressure. Bullying. Social anxiety. Acne. (Ugh.)
I grew up in the 1980s. We didn’t have the toxic, 24/7 glare of social media then. Teens today have a whole different arsenal of enemies. And mental health professionals are warning that certain parental behaviors might be making things significantly worse for them.
“Adolescence is a developmental period where young people are trying to answer ‘Who am I?’” says Michael Wetter, founder of Wetter Psychological Services.
When a teen fails—bad grades, social rejection, a breakup—they don’t just see it as a setback. They see it as proof that they are wrong. Over time? That breeds anxiety. Shame. Chronic self-criticism.
Here is what experts say is actively harming teens’ happiness. And more importantly, how you can stop doing it.
The Trap of External Validation
Tie your self-worth to other people’s opinions, and you will be miserable. Teenagers do this constantly. Adults do it too, but teens? It’s their default setting.
“A huge factor harming a teen’s happiness is the belief that their worth depends on approval,” explains Aida Shahnazarian at Teen Tree.
They are bombarded with messages about who they should be. How they should look. What they need to accomplish.
The pressure comes from everywhere. School. Sports. Peers. And yes, well-meaning parents.
It becomes dangerous when teens believe they are only worthy of love if they are:
– Getting A’s
– Looking a specific way
– Being socially popular
– Making you proud
When your sense of self is built on external validation, your happiness is unstable. It’s a house of cards.
How to fix it: Stop praising only the outcomes. Notice the traits. Call out their kindness. Their courage. Their effort. Their resilience.
“Notice qualities in a teen such as honesty, curiosity and resilience,” Shahnazarian says.
The ‘Crap Goggles’ of Negativity
Jerry Weichman, a clinical psychologist who has treated over 7,000 teens, has a term for it: “Crap goggles.”
It’s when a kid adopts negativity as a habit. Weichman sees it starting in middle school. You look at one person or thing you dislike. Then? The negativity spills into everything else.
“If we focus on the negatives… this is all that we take into ourselves,” Weichman explains.
This habit destroys self-esteem. It spikes anxiety. Teens start viewing themselves through that same dark lens. Everything is bad. Everyone is out to get them.
You might think, “Well, there are 10 negatives and only 2 positives. The positives don’t matter.”
They matter.
“We can identify and hold on to that 1 or 2 positives, and it has a profound effect,” says Weichman.
Redirect them. Point out the good. Even if it’s tiny. It breaks the spell of the “crap goggles.”
Emotional Invalidation
Let’s be real: teenagers are messy. They feel things deeply. And sometimes, they just need to feel heard.
But what happens when you dismiss their pain?
“You’ll get over it,” you say. “You weren’t together long, so don’t be sad.”
Or, “It doesn’t matter what you think. You’ll do what I say.”
Nicholette Leanza at LifeStance Health says this routine invalidation is devastating.
“When parents repeatedly ignore or judge a teen’s feelings… the teen may begin to doubt themselves,” she says.
They stop trusting their own emotions. They internalize the message that their feelings are wrong. And that? It tanks their self-esteem.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with them. You can say, “I understand why you feel that way,” even if you think their reaction is irrational.
“The subtle shift to understanding makes all the difference,” Leanza says.
They need to feel valued. Not fixed. Just heard.
The Curse of the Fixed Mindset
Raise your hand if you’ve heard a teen say:
“I’m just not athletic.”
“I’ll never pass Algebra.”
This is a “fixed mindset.” Andrew Levey, a therapist specializing in teens, says it’s harmful because it assumes abilities are static. You either have it, or you don’t.
This mindset makes challenges feel permanent.
Failure isn’t part of learning. Failure is proof that you are broken. It reduces resiliency. It creates anxiety.
How do you break it?
Use the word yet.
“I’m not good at math… yet.”
Adding “yet” signals that ability develops through practice. It turns a dead-end into a path.
“Adolescence is a time for experimenting,” Levey explains. “Expecting them to perform at their best all the time is unrealistic.”
Remind them: failures do not define who they are. They define where they are. Right now.
Comparing Yourself to Others
Social media makes comparison inevitable. But during teenage years? It’s particularly toxic.
Fatema Harianawala, a counselor at Key Counseling Group, says teens start believing they are “good enough” only if they match everyone else’s highlights.
“The constant comparison can lead to low self-esteem… fear of failure,” she says.
You are competing against curated, edited, filtered versions of other people’s lives. You will always lose.
How to combat this? Build self-worth from the inside out.
- Encourage open conversations.
- Praise effort. Ignore perfection.
- Limit social media exposure.
- Remind them: everyone’s journey is different.
“When teens feel heard… they develop a strong sense of self-worth,’ Harianawala says.
They learn they are valued for who they are. Not what they achieve.
That’s the goal, right?
A happy kid. One who can face life’s challenges without crumbling.
It’s not easy. You will mess up. You will say the wrong thing.
But if you can stop the invalidation. Stop the comparison. Stop the pressure for external validation?
You give them a chance.
It’s not a perfect solution. There’s no magic wand. But it’s a start.
Maybe.
